Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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