I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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