Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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