you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
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