dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
