Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
