if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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