he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
