Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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