come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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