Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
