Ambien. No doubt about it.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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