Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
