Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
