if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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