I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
