my mouth tastes like poor choices
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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