last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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