i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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