Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Randomize
