I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm at about main and main street
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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