ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
how drunk are you?
Several
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
