i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
