I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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