Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He keeps bees of course he's weird
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
