I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
