A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
