I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
