Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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