somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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