i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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