not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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