U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
