I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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