i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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