What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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