I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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