When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
