i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
