Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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