you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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