happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
