Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
