Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
