I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
