Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
