i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
