just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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