I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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