Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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