i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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