You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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