I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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